It doesn’t matter how I say. The men that have ever came into my life have disappointed me in one way or another.
Even my own father.
He died when I was 5.
He brought home the man who stole my childhood.
2 major disappointments there.
My mom’s next serious relationship left her in the middle of the night.
While we were close.
He got lymphoma.
He missed my high school graduation and open house because he had drainage tubes placed and made him look like he wet himeself.
He didn’t call.
He just didn’t show up.
The next I saw him was on his deathbed.
He apologized but didn’t make it to my college graduation where he promised he’d make it up.
My first true love was unimaginable.
He couldn’t promise me forever because he was the only sane one in his family. He feels he needs to care for them. Even today.
My first husband. Well he promise a lot of things and never followed through.
Crushing my already broken and fragile self.
I can admit I’m a broken person but how the hell am I ever supposed to trust another man ever. Promises don’t mean shit to me anymore.
This weekend was something I guess I needed.
I’ve realized a few things.
I’m not going to put myself out there. Simply. I’m not ready.
Yesterday I had a really good time with one of my guy friends. He was patient while my 3 year old threw a fit. He told me how he thought I was a good mom and it made me feel good. I’d like to hang with him more but not romantically or even physically. Just friends. He’s fun and I always feel better after we hang.
Today my 1st love came and hung out. I was ready to feel something but there was nothing there. Except when he hugged me I just felt my stress melt and I didn’t want to stop but honestly I think if anyone hugged me I’d feel that way.
Honestly in my head the whole first part of us hanging out I was thinking I really miss being like this with stbx. It made me feel really sad and indifferent on the inside.
I hope one day I’ll find someone with all of their good qualities in one guy. For now I guess I’m happy by myself. Just wish I had more friends.